When this thing started I thought it would be, three weeks or a month at the most and then we would all throw parties. That was back at the beginning of the year. I have been extremely limited in my life from about the second week in January to now. Please realize that I know everyone else is in the same situation but I don't think that makes things feel less tragic, or lonely, or dark at times. Having said that, that doesn't mean there weren't some great moments of self expression, learning etc. but right now I am dealing with my dark self like I never have before.
I feel like that deer up there on the screen only with no blue sky or buildings...just black, dense, velvet all around. I fell on the cement blocks by the side of the house eight days ago and it would have sucked when I was 30 but at 70 plus it is a huge problem. I still feel like it just happened 10 minutes ago every time I move my body. Then I couldn't go to sleep for about six hours to make sure I didn't have a concussion. Also, I have been waiting for a headache to encourage me to go to hospital; me who wouldn't go there if she had been drawn and quartered. Come to think of it, there wouldn't have been any point in that instance.
Okay, you say, why then does she have pictures of the two remaining Beatles in two different decades? I will tell you. Just because they look like they are in a fairly good mood in both decades doesn't mean that maybe Paul could be bothered by his taxes or Ringo really wanted to be home bothering Barbara. It means smiles are contagious...Yes! But like weddings they quickly disperse and something can come up that makes things serious, depressive, or just down right blue.
I have learned to "put on a happy face" over the years, my faith with prayer has helped me deal with things, and wanting to be happy like a lot of other folk I see; I work at it.
So has that worked? No, not when I landed in the proverbial festive feces. The usual run of the mill human problems...bad relationships, health problems, being blamed for others problems, and death. All just a life full of things that became challenges. The image of waiting for a taxi in a back alley rather than at a taxi stand is quite apropos to me. Mind you, being in those situations, assisted me in finding a lot of interesting segues in my life. I know two people in particular that would say that it isn't a good way to spend ones life or that at times I was a waste of space. However, dear readers one should not judge another unless they have walked a mile in their particular moccasins.
I know one thing for sure. I thought if I tried on enough different hats I might find one that suit me. Bad plan. Same as asking for too much advice from too many people, it just doesn't settle you into a life you can be happy in at all. Having moments of fun isn't the same as being contentedly happy within oneself. Strange as it might seem...Ringo seems to be one of those folk that has managed prolonged bouts of happiness. Lord knows he deserves it. As someone once said money can't buy happiness but it sure as heck doesn't hurt to have it.
KARMA:
What you put out will come back to you in unexpected ways. Give only what you don't mind getting back to you.
I started this particular blog thinking I was going to explore the dark side of my nature and here I am discussing what it means to be happy. Hmm...karma always seems to be working in my life overtime. Just can't get rid of her. I think the two definitely have something to do with each other. I think I still feel like the deer but for a completely different reason. I think being alone is preferable to being really put out to consider what someone else wants. Now that really sounds selfish but I don't think I mean it...that way.